Diary of Baklava

Dish 144: Baklava at Divan Turkish Kitchen, 22nd and Carpenter, http://www.divanturkishkitchen.com/

Hey youse, listen up. First, it was really dark and icy. And then I was doused with somethin’ sticky, in all my parts where the sun don’t shine. And then everything was hot like a Phillies game in August, brutal hot, and no beer or crabfries to ease it, but afterwards I felt whole. Not too strong, ya know, but good.

In the beginning...

That’s exactly when this jerkface cut me apart and stuffed me in a Styrofoam box. Geez. Talk about the last thing I need. So I’m floatin’ through air in this Styrofoam box, or bein’ carried, or something, and then the box opens, and this big, hungry lookin’ chick is starin’ me right in the face! Not that I was scared or nothin’, ya know, I know I could take her, but she looked pretty friggin’ hungry.

She didn't HEAR me!

So I’m gettin’ ready to fight, warmin’ up, when she reaches in and breaks off a piece of me! Can you believe it! She just took a chunk like she was somebody!  So I’m in shock, like “who does this chick think she is?” while she’s all like, “Ohhhh, mmmm, so good!” like I’m something you can eat! I ain’t your lunch, honey. And then she goes and grabs another piece and is doin’ this whole thing again, “Ohhh, so tasty, mmm, the honey, oh, I love the pistachios” and I’m shoutin’ back now, “Hey, sweetie, those are MY pistachios you’re talkin’ about!” But she ain’t listening, like she can’t HEAR me!

And she just keeps GOING, takin’ slivers of my sweet honey ass and talkin’ about me like I’m not there. So I was like, two can play at this game. I’m gonna be so sweet you can’t get enough a’ me, and then I’m gonna make you hurt from the inside out. Oh, I’m gonna spike your sugar with my honey, and I’m gonna make your teeth ache and your pulse race. You think you got the best a’ me, but I run this town, sweetie. You left one little piece of me for your friend, you think that’s gonna save you? Na ah. I run this town, sweetie.

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2 Responses to “Diary of Baklava”

  1. rupert Says:

    wow.

  2. Lillybird Says:

    Hysterical! Love your backdrops too.

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