Meatatarians, I have found your Capital Grail

Dish 82: Kona Dry-Aged Sirloin at Capital Grille, Broad and Chestnut,

The bartender who placed the order to the kitchen made a mistake so awesome that it would cause most college age males to wet themselves. He ordered the dinner sirloin, a beefcake of epic proportions, nearly double the size of the intended lunch sirloin; when this pound-and-a-half of hulky cow flesh arrived roasted to perfection and glistening with the juices of many a happy afternoon spent eating grass, the first words that come to mind are “Great Odin’s Beard!”. Like how you look at a golden retriever joyously catching a frisbee on the lawn in front of Old Main at State College, and you think, “Now THAT is a dog.” (Please do not draw any comparisons between the dog and juicy tastiness. I refer only to the epitomic character of the situation.)

So, if you are a meatatarian, the dinner sirloin will cause your knees to gelatinize, your pulse to race, and your arteries to cry out supplications for mercy, which, naturally, you will not heed. Even non-meatatarians can admire the thickness of cut, the attention to roasting detail—the beauty of the evenly roasted exterior while the interior matches precisely what you request. The Mel Gibson-alike bartender –all the dashing and none of the crazy…one might hope—attends to your every string-bean-hating whim, and conjures spinach and asparagus from thin air. (How does he know your two favorite vegetables? Is he psychic?) And of course the asparagus is blanched just long enough to soften but still remain firm and green.

Naturally these stars aligned to elicit guilt; I had a relapse today to shivering, gagging, meat-hating-ness. And while I stuffed three joyless forkfuls down, trying to savor the taste, the mere act of cutting into the hunk of meat threw chills down my arms and quivers through my innards. This is what I actually ate for lunch: diet Sprite, Junior Mints, and Thin Mints (slightly out of frame to give the illusion that I eat more sparingly than I actually do).

Mel packed up my chunk of cow and I thanked him for the double scoop. Brian will devour it later, if he doesn’t dehydrate himself first from over-salivating.


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