Status Report: Hi, Mom, I’m Alive

Dish 80: Pressed Cuban bread and mango butter at Cuba Libre, the Tropicana, Atlantic City, 

Update: Rugby Formal at the Chelsea, Atlantic City 

Thesis: No, Mom, I didn’t die. Yes, “prom” was fun. Nowadays we call them formals. Yes, Tina’s dress was very pretty. Yes, I’ll send you pictures. No, I’m not procrastinating studying for finals. 

Body: I have never been to Atlantic City before! This was very exciting for me and also for Mr. Kiwi, the last vestige of my youth who accompanies me to all new places. This is him meeting the Donald: 

Okay, so I forgot to take a pic. This is an approximation.

The Food: After discovering that Beta, Phi Sig, Sig Chi, and a smattering of other fraternies had had the same idea as the rugby boys did, we and approximately one third of the Villanova student body checked into the Tropicana. By the time the good sir behind the counter handed over the plastic keys, we were positively starving. Cuba Libre conveniently beckoned from the center of the labyrinthine complex; the pressed bread and mango butter tastes like a cinnamon roll, without being aggressively cinnamony, and with only the mildest mango undertone. CJ had the Vaca Frita, which brought a new perspective to short ribs, with a crunchy, toasted outer crust complementing the tender meat, and I had the insalata de los favoritos with the most fabulous sweet cooked plantains. (Enough with the plantains, Lauren. Put a sock in it.) Tina and her boyfriend Matt disappeared to have dinner at an undisclosed location. 

Post dinner, we got ready, and then, PICTURE TIME! 

In front of the fountain at the Tropicana

Formal highlights: The party was surprisingly sedate; it was in a ballroom at the Chelsea, and the Betas shared the same space. Rowdiness was at an all-time low, with barely any frat or rugby songs sung before 1 am and only three or four boys standing on chairs to emphasize the importance of their songs. Mendel Doug was escorted out by security after they found him carrying his lightsaber, but he was allowed to return to the party after being disarmed.

Public Service Announcement: Ladies, you may have heard that anything suggested by Mendel Doug can be politely refused using the words “per se”, as follows: “Reckless Abandonment’s Date, would you like to dance?” “Doug, I’d rather not dance, per se.” My date informed me these two words constituted Doug’s kryptonite and I would be entirely left alone after using them. Doug has grown wise to this tactic and is no longer affected. We must find new methods. 

Back to the books! And for those looking for a few more minutes of distraction, my new favorite videos of servicemen dancing to Lady Gaga and Ke$ha—these guys should be backup dancers when their tours are over! 

Lady Gaga’s Telephone, Afghanistan Remake: 

Air Force Dancing to Tik Tok


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6 Responses to “Status Report: Hi, Mom, I’m Alive”

  1. Lauren's Mom Says:

    So glad to hear that you survived and that you remembered Mr. Kiwi, he does like to travel. The photo of his is not very flattering.

  2. loqiii Says:

    The simulated picture will be good for protecting his identity so he isn’t harassed by the paparazzi.
    I also forgot to include the dialogue: “Ya know, Kiwi, I think you and I should do a deal together. How’s your equity situation?” “I don’t know, Mr. Trump, how’s your debt situation?” “You drive a hard bargain, Kiwi.” “Trump, YOU’RE FIRED.”

  3. The Donald Says:

    But Mr. Kiwi, you don’t mean it, I know that you really like me, everyone likes me, I am mister wonderful. I have a deal you can’t say no to, it’s a Northern Liberties condo conversion from a “heritage brewery”, I have a team of the best of the best ( bob’s) up&comers who can sell it to their peeps.

  4. The Rainman Says:

    Lauren, I CAN’T believe you did not taste the most famous Cuban Sandwich of all, the Medianoche! (Dexter had one almost every day) Back to Havana, Vamonos!

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